I'm Hungry...
For the longest time that was the hardest thing for me to say...Sometimes it still is. I used to have an eating disorder...maybe I still do a little bit. People often comment on my strange eating habits, on the fact that sometimes I appear to live off of coffee and other times I always have a snack on hand. Or the strange things I eat or don't eat, and when it comes to the things that I don't eat, the fact that I will eat them when the mood strikes me. Well here it is...on and off for about as long as I can remember, most of my life since puberty struck and gave me this god-forsaken woman's body, I have shifted between starving myself, and shoveling food into my mouth with much gusto. I have always been self-conscious when it comes to my body, I have always had a really negative body image, until fairly recently. And there are still times when I look at myself in the mirror and shriek internally.
I have such a sick double standard for myself, and I just cant help it most of the time. I see women who look like this
and it makes me SICK. I can't believe that we live in a society where women do this to themselves and think it looks attractive, or people tell them it looks attractive. And I will stand of my soapbox all day and advocate women who have natural bodies...and then I will skip lunch. I know in the deepest part of myself that those women are not beautiful, that that is not a healthy lifestyle, that this is wrong. And I do love my body, most of the time, but there are times, when I am feeling particularly out of control, that I find myself slipping away. I always say things like "I just want to be healthy" or "I just like to eat right." But I don't eat right, I throw my body through a crazy obstacle course of food and hunger. I eat nothing but spinach for a week, then shovel Arby's into my mouth like its manna from heaven, and then get terribly sick afterwards and swear I'll never do it again.
I am not proud of these things, but they are real, they are true, they are me. When I'm feeling out of sorts, or nervous, I find myself feeling my bones, my clavicles, my ribs, my hip bones, making a circle around my wrist with my thumb and middle finger...measuring my worth in my mind, again and again. Throughout the day, I will enter my bedroom, walk around, then stand in front of my mirror, lift my shirt, and stare at my stomach, waiting for it to let me down. I still do these things, constantly, even though I don't consider myself to be sick anymore. I don't weigh myself, because I become overly obsessed with the number, and I cant keep myself in line, that's' a battle with myself that I know I can't win, so I don't, I just don't. I know there are a lot of women out there who are a lot "sicker" than I am...I'm not trying to compare my suffering to theirs, I am not in a competition, I am not saying that my suffering is more or less that theirs, there is no harder, there is just hard. I am trying, a little more every day, to say those words, I'm Hungry. It was so hard to say it at first, but I did, and some days I can say it loud and clear, and other days, its a whisper, but I try every day.
I do think this is beautiful...
And I do think I am beautiful, I truly do...
But that is something I have to choose...
Every day.
And some days the choice is harder than others.
As a person, I don't feel this way all the time, it's just little pieces that make up my whole day, I consider myself to be a healthy woman, mind, body, and soul...but there are just things I do that remind me that maybe I'm not 100% okay. I can be all of these things, people have layers, you don't have to be only one, or many things in equal measure, I am so many things...
I Am:
Beautiful
Thick
Loud
Happy
Imperfect
Strong
Real
Honest
Afraid
Curvy
Confident
Self-conscious
Powerful
Weak
Loyal
An Advocate
A Sister
A Daughter
A Friend
Damaged
Headstrong
Stubborn
Hungry, I am hungry.
Growing up, I was always larger than all of my friends. Comments were made to me by my mother my entire life. Now when I see old pics, I would KILL to be that size again!! And it blows my mind that I was bigger than my friends, when I appear obviously skinny. What were they, bones??! I don't know many who do not look in the mirror and shake their heads... I suppose at this point of my middle aged wacked wisdom, I would say that as long as your doctor says that you are typically healthy, and you are content with yourself, that is all that matters. It Very Much upsets me to see over weight children. They tend to come with over weight parents. It Pisses Me OFF!! Why are you setting your child's life up to be fifficult??! You know first hand the struggles that they will have before them, why are you making them repeat your own difficulties?? Grrrrr..... That is my soapbox position in that area. As far as being an adult goes, just remember that it is harder to control as you age. Your body stops acting the same, and things all shift around. You start hearing about blood pressure, cholesterol, type 2 diabetes.... If you ARE wanting to make any adjustments with yourself physically, start doing it now...just to be healthier. When you get older, the damage has already occurred. And while I am at it....the Ultimate gift that you can give yourself does NOT involve a scale, but more revolves around those things you carry around in a small rectangular box.... THAT is what is hurting you more than any Arby's binge moment!! I'm sure your doctor would agree!!! And you know that I only nag because I care!!
ReplyDeleteI like pie... :)
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